


The Joker Hates Catwoman and She Hates Him But Maybe They Both Like Each Other

by SmartCoffee



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DC Animated Universe (Timmverse), DCU
Genre: Angst and Humor, Arkham Asylum, Arkham Asylum is Terrible, Crimes & Criminals, F/M, Falling In Love, Feels, Fluff and Humor, Hate to Love, Insults, Joker (DCU)'s Name is Jack, Love, Love Triangles, Mental Health Issues, Prison, Selina Kyle is Catwoman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:15:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmartCoffee/pseuds/SmartCoffee
Summary: The Joker and Catwoman are both stuck in Arkham and sparks fly.
Relationships: Joker (DCU) & Selina Kyle
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

Catwoman: I think you're vile. You're absolutely disgusting.

Joker: Every woman who’s said that to me has ended up in bed with me.

Catwoman: And you’ve just proved my point. Can't you see that insinuating that I must want to sleep with you would be disgusting to me?

Smith, the Nurse's Aide: Time to take meds! Everybody get your meds. We check tongues ‘round here.

The madhouse looked just like they do in the movies. White paint, long hallways, padded walls in some rooms. There was a solitary luxury: a 52-inch flatscreen TV.

Catwoman: Ugh, I can't believe the judge put me in Arkham Asylum. I steal diamonds. I'm not crazy.

Joker: Says the broad who goes out at night in skin-tight cat suits.

Catwoman: Oh yeah? You look like you got kicked out of Insane Clown Posse.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Clown Prince and the Cat start dissing each other.

Joker watched Wheel of Fortune. Catwoman got in his face and blocked his view of the television.

Catwoman: So I've noticed that your ditzy blonde doesn't come by to visit 'Mistah Jay.'

Joker: Don't do her voice. You don't do it right. Harley has other friends. She's a regular social butterfly.

Catwoman: Really? I thought she'd be very worried about your being here.

Joker: Nah. We both know I'll escape. Always do. Aren't YOU worried that Batman never visits you?

Catwoman (scratching the back of her head): I don't know what you're talking about. I only mentioned Harley because she's your girlfriend. Batman's the one that put me here. I hate him.

Joker: Hey, everyone in here's got a story they gotta tell theirselves. Doesn't bother me. (Leans back in his chair and closes his eyes.)

Catwoman: He may be Batman but he's also a guy. Maybe once or twice he showed some interest. But even if there were someone in here that he cared about, would Batman show up here? Would he risk being here in Arkham with you, Clayface, Riddler, Poison Ivy, and Killer Croc?

Joker: I couldn't tell you. I just know he comes to see me every Tuesday night at 7.


	3. Chapter 3

Bertha Barnes, Director of Patient Services: It is important that each member of the Arkham family -

Catwoman: This can't be good.

Bertha Barnes: -have a stable, wholesome identity rooted in healthy self-esteem and hard work. So each member of the family will receive a residential goal to achieve. For instance, one residential goal might be polishing furniture.

Joker: Chores? We're getting chores?

Bertha: No, no, no. The word 'chore' implies pointless drudgery.

Catwoman: And that would be too honest. (Catwoman laughs. Joker laughs too.)

Bertha: Irregardless of that, Selina and Jack will be mopping the tiled floor areas. Edward and Oswald will be polishing furniture. John C. and Pamela will be watering the plants.

{The Joker was not enthusiastic about mopping. The first time he was asked to do so, he used bleach to make a bomb and destroyed half of the kitchen. The second time, a 400-pound orderly named O’Reilly talked to him to convince him to mop. It was not a long conversation. Catwoman did most of the mopping but he did do one room.}

Catwoman: It won't work.

Joker: What won't work?

Catwoman: This whole righteous revolutionary schtick you're trying to pull. Why not just be a good boy until they leave you alone?

Joker:That's what you like, is it? Good boys? Good boys make your little heart go pitter-patter?

Catwoman: You're wasting your time if you're trying to find out what I like.

Joker: As far as I can tell, there's one big advantage I have over Bats when it comes to you.

Catwoman: Which is?

Joker: I'm here and he ain't.


	4. Chapter 4

One night, Selina forgot to lock her door. She was in a deep sleep and it was 2 a.m.

Joker was pacing the halls. He was an insomniac and he was going bonkers because of all the time he was wasting here. If he was stuck in Arkham for more than a year, he would surely become insane. He pictured himself hallucinating and losing the ability to speak.

Selina's half-open door created possibilities. He looked this way and that to check if the coast was clear. He casually walked inside, trying to make himself small, so as not to bump up against anything.

She didn't have a top on. He was mildly pleased. She wasn't half bad-looking. Also, she was probably at a disadvantage, seeing as this was an asylum. She wasn't allowed to have makeup, lotions, and all the little secret potions women use to brighten their appearance. Her skin had an even almond tone, with just a few freckles.

All of a sudden, Selina made a sound like "zuh-zuh-us-us." It was somewhere between a snore and a wheeze.

It spooked Joker and he left the room.

On the way out, he nearly collided with Johnathan Crane. Crane shared his insomniac tendencies.

"Well. Isn't this interesting," smirked Crane.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, the asylum staff assigned both Jack and Selina to vegetable peeling duty in the kitchen. It's a bit odd that "vegetable peeling duty" should still exist in the age of food processors, but asylum aren't always tech savvy.

Jack used a peeler with a slit in the middle of two blades. Selina just used a regular paring knife. When it came to prepping vegetables, Selina could kick his ass. 

"I don't understand how you can finish three potatoes while I'm still working on my first one," complained Jack.

"Some girls have all the luck," she gave a winning smile.

"This is like a freaking concentration camp. We can't get out and now we're kitchen slaves. This place is run by Nazis," said Jack.

"Let's not be beastly to the Germans / Oh, let's not be beastly to the Germans," sang Selina.

Jack laughed. "What is that?"

"An old song by Noël Coward. I learned it when I was a kid," said Selina.

"But it doesn't make any sense. Why shouldn't we be beastly to the Germans after all they did to the world? Invading all those countries? And the Holocaust?!" asked Jack.

"Maybe he meant that we should separate the Nazis from the rest of the Germans. He didn’t say ‘let’s not be beastly to the Nazis," said Selina.

"I finished my second potato!" said Jack, beaming.

"You're pretty cute when you do manual labor," said Selina.


	6. Chapter 6

"Cat. Cat. CAT!" said a voice in the corner of Catwoman's room.

She flipped the light switch and Jack hopped out of her laundry hamper.

"Tada!" exclaimed Jack.

"It's not a good idea for you to be in my room this late. They'll punish both of us," said Selina.

WIth confidence, he slid under the covers of her bed. "They'll have to catch us first."

She giggled. "I do hate being alone in here."

He had a surprisingly fit physique with toned arms and legs. His belly was slightly soft but Selina didn't mind that.

He started to undress but Selina grabbed his wrist and shook her head hard. They made out for a while. They weren't used to each other's bodies but there was a thrill in the discovery. Selina's neck was extra-sensitive and she nearly shrieked when Jack kissed her nape.

They listened closely for the sound of nurses or doctors in the hall.

Jack placed his right hand softly on Selina's navel and simply asked, "Ready?"

She whispered, "Yeah."


	7. Chapter 7

Jack woke up first. He felt a little awkward. What’s the right procedure? Should he be naked? Should he just wear underwear? Shirt and pants? Parka and snowpants? He put on boxers.

“C’mere.”

Damn. That’s all he needed. He suddenly felt two jolts: one of confidence and one of testosterone.

“Spoon me.”

“Wait, I got an idea. Sit on the edge of the bed,” said Jack. He was clumsy and a bit gangly so spooning never felt comfortable.

Selina sat on the edge of the bed, waiting expectantly.

Jack kneeled in front of her and put his head in her lap.

She ran her fingers through his strange, tangled, green hair and in a low voice said, “My sweet baby.”


End file.
